Lurkers
Lurkers read forums but seldom post. An occasional post will bring them out of their shells. They are generally harmless. Almost everybody starts out as a lurker.Distinguishing features: Infrequent, short posts - if any.
Lemmings
The vast majority of online forum users are Lemmings. They seldom have much to say, they aren't overbearing or particularly opinionated, and usually post "me too" kinds of things. They very seldom start new threads, and when they do they usually turn out to be a rehash of an old topic. Almost everybody graduates from being a Lurker to being a Lemming, the privileged few pass on to one of the more advanced forms below.Distinguishing features: None, really.
Saccharine Shebas
Saccharine Shebas are unbearably sweet and gushy. They use pet names for people and things. They usually have a coterie of admirers who suck up to them shamelessly. These admirers will often attack anybody who expresses a different opinion. The attacks are often vicious in inverse proportion to the sweetness of the Sheba. Shebas never go on the attack themselves, preferring to post recriminatory and obviously shallow self-doubts that are intended to be (and usually are) vociferously denied by their supporters. Saccharine Shebas talk a lot about emotions and address individuals in the forum by name. Everything is fantastic, everybody is sweet, a darling, lovely, a dear. Their posts often border on a parody of Victorian literature. A high proportion of Amardeep Singh's texture words appear in their posts.Distinguishing features: Uses lots of flowery adjectives. And lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!
Garrulous Gerties
The mathematician Blaise Pascal once wrote (Lettres provinciales, letter 16, 1657) "Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.", which translates as "I am sorry for the length of my letter, but I had not the time to write a short one." Of course it takes a lot more effort to write a short, pithy post than a long, rambling one. However, some people post like they have the proverbial verbal diarrhea. They go on and on without end without communicating much information. Their baud rate is high, but their data rate is low. They are like a data compression algorithm in reverse. Technically, one would say that the Kolmogorov complexity of their posts is very small. Unlike Blaise Pascal, when they say "this post will be short", they really mean "this post will be very, very long."Distinguishing features: Their posts are ten times longer than everybody else's. Having to use the scroll bar several times when reading a typical post is a dead giveaway.
Core Dumpers
"Core dump" is an old geek term from the early days of the Unix operating system. When a Unix program crashes you get a very helpful error message that says either "Segmentation Violation: Core Dumped" or "Bus Error: Core Dumped". As if to make up for this dearth of information the program will very helpfully create a file named core that contains a binary image of the program and its data immediately after the crash. A hard-core geek can, with the help of a hexadecimal editor, resurrect the problem that caused the program to crash. The hard parts about this are two-fold. Firstly, the core dump contains a lot of information. More than you really need to know to diagnose the problem. Secondly, although the information is there, it's not organized at all. Finding the small piece of information that you need in that sea of data requires a certain level of neurotic fanaticism that usually only comes with the more advanced levels of über-geekhood and the complete absence of a clue how to get laid on a Saturday night.The same can be said of the online forum users whom I call Core Dumpers. They post a wealth of irrelevant detail about their preference in wall hangings or what their spouse's sister's hamster had for breakfast on the fifth Sunday after Nativity when their message is simple: "I'm sick" or "I'm depressed" or "My doctor is a loser." Their posts are not as long as the Garrulous Gerties', but they make up for it with the number of irrelevant tangents. You always end up learning more than you really need to know about their lives.
Distinguishing features: Their posts are long and detailed. Very detailed. Very, very detailed.
Lame Losers
Lame losers are always having panic attacks, they "just can't take it any more". While everybody has their moments like this, particularly when you've been diagnosed with a chronic incurable illness like MS, Lame Losers seem to make a career out of having nervous breakdowns. They're playing for sympathy. Usually you'll see a flood of helpful responses that are wise, supportive, positive, sympathetic, and useful. However, the Lame Losers refuse to follow advice. Instead of getting help you'll see them posting essentially the same panic attacks a few weeks later when everybody's frustration level has dropped or new Lemmings get sucked into feeling sorry for them.Distinguishing features: Repeated postings that say things like "I can't take it anymore", "I am such a loser", "I don't know what to do."
Mindless Optimists
Mindless Optimists are always looking on the bright side. While looking on the bright side is a laudable activity, they will after time take on the ambience and charisma of a man relentlessly playing a kazoo during a Bach cantata. One distinguishing feature of the Mindless Optimist is that they immediately go on the attack when one points out that they are being over-optimistic. Anyone who doesn't think like them is labeled as somebody who "has a problem" and is promptly ostracized. To be a member of this club means never expressing any doubts, and loudly denigrating those who do. Which means that they are not true optimists, of course. In an optimistic world everybody is your friend and nobody has problems. At least, nobody worth speaking of.Distinguishing features: They always see the bright side of everything. They have little or no sense of humor and are easily offended, particularly by When Life Gives You Lemons. Satire and mockery are closed books to them, preferably burned books if they have their way.
Monomaniacs
Monomaniacs have a mania about a particular subject. If they post a reply, it will be a blatant attempt to change the subject to their mania. Principal subtypes: Cat Monomaniac, Jesus Monomaniac, Diet Monomaniac, Marijuana Monomaniac.Distinguishing features: All roads lead to their pet subject.
Jaded Professionals
Some online forums have their share of Jaded Professionals from the insurance or medical professions. These are often very useful people to know. Disabled insurance professionals tend to be lurkers because they know we all hate them. They are easy targets for the "See how you like it now" kind of zinger. Former nurses are great, however.Distinguishing features: Usually reasoned, well-argued posts. Which hardly anybody ever listens to.
Guru Wannabes
Guru Wannabes want to have an answer for everything. No matter what the subject of the post, they will chime in with an answer or a solution. They know everything about everything. They can rattle off the latest drugs, the relevant symptoms with all medical terminology in place. It's interesting watching two Guru Wannabes facing off in a head-to-head contest of who knows the most about a particular subject. They tend to get offended when it is pointed out to them that anybody with half a brain and a working knowledge of the google search engine can do just as well without any pretense at conscious thought.Distinguishing features: Seemingly encyclopedic knowledge. An answer to every problem. A thorough, often bordering on autistic obsession with jargon. One-upmanship.
Control Freaks
Control Freaks are always right about everything. From which it follows that they are never wrong about anything. They will deride any and all opinions other than their own. However, they never actually get involved in discussing the issues. Instead, they repeatedly proclaim their 'correctness'.Distinguishing features: Have an opinion (correct of course) on everything. If found wanting will announce "LEAVING THE BOARD!!!" Usually in all caps.
News Junkies
News Junkies seemingly live for the thrill of being the first to post about some new piece of news about MS before anybody else on the forum gets to see it. Like the Guru Wannabe it's kind of pathetic. A web-bot could do a better job. Still, if you've got nothing better to do than troll for MS news, I suppose that there's worse trouble you could get into.Distinguishing features: Repeated posting of the latest MS News. Subject lines including "you've got to see this", and "there's hope yet".
Frequent Fliers
Frequent Fliers are obsessed with the number of postings that they've made. They are quite likely to have made 10 postings a day for the last several years. They frequently don't have a life outside of the online forums.Distinguishing features: Quite likely to have started a thread with the subject "My 1000th Post". Or "My 2000th Post".
Rainbows
When I was growing up, people who habitually turned up after the work was done were always called Rainbows - after all, as the saying goes, "The rainbow always appears after the storm". "The storm" being the storm of activity. Rainbows are people who post what they think are new and exciting things that turn out to be rehashes of things that have already been done to death in the forum with great noise, fanfare, rancor, and metaphorical blood on the carpet. They are blissfully unaware of being clueless and couldn't use a search engine to get up-to-date on past postings even if their lives depended on it.Distinguishing features: An apparent inability to read old postings. A level of excitement that is inversely proportional to the newness of the subject.
Cool Dudes
Cool dudes are usually leftover hippies or hippie wannabes. They repeatedly post on the same tired old subjects. Usually drugs, anti-establishment propaganda, and the importance of getting down and being happy. Although espousing global peace and brotherly love, they are ornery when contradicted. They ask a lot of questions, but are totally disinterested in the actual answers. They seem to think it is enough to make a lot of noise about an issue without actually needing to achieve anything. Any attempt to draw them into a rational dialog is met with a "shock and awe" response. Obviously, if you don't think like one of them, you are part of the problem.Distinguishing features: Long on noise, short on actual solutions. Typical Cool Dude post: "Do you think the federal government is afraid to legalize marijuana?" Typical Cool Dude reply: "You are so right!" And after dissing you, they will tell you to have a Happy Life.
Resident Cynics
Resident Cynics get a rise out of being cynical about everything that is posted. Like the character of the Fool in Shakespeare's King Lear, he or she is rarely even tolerated, almost never appreciated. Cynics are useful to have around for debunking nascent Saccharine Shebas, Mindless Optimists, and Monomaniacs before too many Lemmings get their heads turned.Distinguishing features: Frequent references to multiplesclerosissucks.com.
Postscript: Since posting this taxonomy I've received several almost tearful emails from friends I have met in online forums who are afraid that they have recognized themselves on this page. If you think you recognize yourself, your fears are largely unfounded, but it bodes well for your mental health that you are willing to entertain the possibility. I want to make it clear that these categories are not based on particular individuals. No single person falls exactly into one category. No category is based on a single person. They are caricatures and exaggerations of neurotic tendencies observed in a large number of people - myself included - over a long period of time. People are in fact deep and complicated things, and this page does them no more than superficial justice. Now that I've had fun, I'd like to remind you that the important thing in online forums is to connect with real people in real and meaningful ways. However, if you do find yourself dropping into one of the roles detailed above, then my advice is to take a deep breath, lighten up, be real. Laugh at yourself. It doesn't hurt. Much. This comes from a Resident Cynic.